Snakes postal work.
by Les Enfant Terrible Otaku
Summary: chapter2 is up. the colonel goes mad
1. Just a box

Disclaimer_ I don't own Metal gear or any of its characters, I also don't own the post office or Buffalo Bob`s dog Precious.

  
  


We find Snake sitting around smoking a cig and wondering what the hell is that green bar above him and why it is decreasing. Suddenly Snakes codec goes off....

  
  


Otacon: Snake what did I tell you about smoking those things?!

Snake: And what did I tell you about masturbating to Sailor Moon?

Otacon:....ass.... Oh by the way did a package come for me?

Snake: let me check.

  
  


Snake gets up and looks for Otacons package. About three minutes later Snake finds it and opens it.

  
  


Snake: Hal when I get home we have to talk.

Otacon: you opened it???!!

Snake: yes I did and I don't believe you a Mrs. Emmerich blow up sex doll??!

Otacon: What`s wrong with a little incest now and then?

Snake: * turns codec off*

  
  


Snake sits back in his seat and opens a ration and watches some t.v. for a while, until he sees some crows flying around outside.

  
  


Snake: the hell?

  
  


Raven enters the postoffice and walks up to the counter were Snake stands.

  
  


Raven: So we meet again Snake?

Snake: sorry Raven but no pets aloud *points to the sign*

Raven: oh....*shoots sign* anyway, did my package come yet?

Snake: what was in it?

Raven: um.... a M249 S.A.W.

Snake: oh that package *looks for it* here you go.

Raven: hey its been opened! * looks at the gun* and it has been fired!

Snake: hey I needed something to go shopping with.

Raven: well at least I have my gun....ass... *leaves*.

  
  


After Raven leaves Snake sees a one-armed man walking towards the post-office, Snake quickly gets under on of the MANY boxes and peers out the opening. Liquid then enters with a little white dog.

  
  


Liquid: come on Precious lets find our next "friend".

  
  


Liquid then looks for Snake but doesn't see him so he goes in the back and sees all the boxes.

Liquid: oh shit. Snake I know you are hiding in one of these boxes, so just come out!

Precious: !! Woof woof! *huh? Just a box!*

  
  
  
  


* * *

That's the end of the first chapter, I know end is a bit dumb but it will get more violent in next chapters. REVIEW! 


	2. LOTION

Disclaimer-blah blah don't own metal gear konami does...blah blah don't own post offices...

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Liquid: Come on out brother! I have Lucky Strikers and Asian porn.

One of the boxes: Really?

Liquid: tsk.... yes Snake, come out.

  
  


Snake then gets out of the box but when he does Liquid stun guns him in the balls.

  
  


Snake: shit....ow...little to the left....oh yeah... oh YEAH! YES!!!

Liquid: ewwwww...

  
  


Snake then fall unconscious from either the pleasure or the pain of the stun gun. Liquid then puts Snake in a little red wagon and wheels him home while Precious licks Snakes mullet.

Later Snake wakes up in a dark hole.

  
  


Snake: were am I?!

Liquid: *drops a basket down* it takes the lotion from the basket!

Snake: The hell?!!

Snake then call up the Colonel.

Snake: Colonel it`s Snake do you read me?

Colonel:...scissors!!! 69!!....oh yeah I read you snake loud and clear.

  
  


Snake: colonel im trapped in a pit and liquid is trying to recreate that crepey lotion in the baskets scene from silence of the lambs, but how he looks it might turn out to be the scene from joe dirt, I need some help what should I do?

  
  


Colonel: is liquid in lingerie? *yes white like Raidens hair* is he raping the dog? *err....sorta...* ok Snake what you need t-to do is wait till Liquid runs to the bathroom for no reason at all, when he does you need to use the lotion like the ketchup from shadow moses.

Snake: the lotion is white, and I never used the ketchup I just waited till GreyFox came.

  
  


Colonel: err...well...CONTINUE WITH Y0UR M-M1SS10N!! I NEED SCISSORS!!11 69!!!

Snake: not this shit again, Otacon just had to show the colonel amputated midget asian bestiality bondage porn.....

Snake then continued with the plan the colonel gave him and for some odd reason it worked. When Liquid pull Snake out of the hole with his one arm Snake quickly punch-punch-kicked him. Snake then ran to the front door and found a box which he got under and started running to Otacons until he remembered the whole blow-up doll thing. So snake ran to Raiden`s house. When Snake got to Raidens no-one was home so snake just broke one of the windows and crawled in got himself a beer and began watching tv until. *ear vibrations ear vibrations*(the codec is meant to vibrate the ear not ring)

Snake: hello?

???:careful there are claymore mines around there.

Snake: I already picked those up, I know how dumb Raiden is he just leaves explosives laying around.

???: the mines are in you box.

Snake: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Those sick bastards!!!!!

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Will Snakes`s box survive? who is calling? Wheres raiden?


End file.
